Today marks the two-year anniversary of my mom’s stem cell transplant – the very day a donor’s stem cells gave her a new lease on life and a chance at a cure for the acute form of leukemia she was diagnosed with five months earlier. She has also recently been given a clean bill of health, the ultimate sigh of relief.

For those who aren’t aware of what a stem cell is, don’t feel bad, previous to this experience I had no clue. To give you a simplified definition, they are the cells that give life to your other cells, the building blocks of life in a sense. Stem cells are found in your bone marrow, blood, and tissue – because my mom had cancer of the blood – giving her new stem cells effectively gave her the basis for new healthy blood.

After several intensive rounds of chemotherapy intended to wipe out the cancer cells and keep them at bay until a donor could be found, my mom was ready for her transplant. But just before she could take on the donor’s new cells, the doctors had to ensure my mom’s own stem cells wouldn’t get in the way, so they radiated my mom’s bone marrow. It sounds intense, and it was, but the procedure itself was simple and non-invasive. Similarly, the stem cell transplant was a simple transfusion of stem cells through an IV drip.

During this time, my mom’s blood counts were flatlined. The doctors kept my mom alive with blood transfusions, so many I lost count. We were truly at the mercy of our medical system. The main concern during all of these treatments was my mom’s weakened immune system. The chemotherapy decimated all of her blood counts for weeks afterwards leaving her without any defense against invaders. A bacteria or virus could have been, and very nearly was on several occasions, life-threatening.

In one instance, an infection travelled to my mom’s blood causing her to go sepsis and experience septic shock. I’ll never forget no matter how hard I try the experience of watching 10 or more nurses pile into my mom’s hospital room calling “code blue,” as her blood pressure plummeted and she lay unresponsive even to my own voice at her side. Or what it was like to watch her violently tremor from what the doctors called “rigors,” as my father fell to his knees in a desperate plea to God that He would save his wife. I thought at that moment, ‘God I can’t bear this pain, but I know you will help me to,’ and He did.

I have found the saying to be true, “If it’s not good, then God’s not finished yet.” In the months and years following, there were many ups and downs as we navigated life post-transplant. My mom was like a newborn baby as her immune system was building itself from scratch with the aid of the donor’s stem cells, which meant we had to keep her safe from infections until she was strong enough to be exposed gradually. To say things were tense at home during that time would be an understatement. But ultimately, Mom was in God’s hands.

We also had to be wary of “graft versus host disease,” a condition in which the body mounts an immune response against the donor’s stem cells. Thankfully my mom was in the clear of this dreaded condition, and in the last few months has been moved to the survivor outpatient clinic. She has been given a clean bill of health. Her doctor has advised her with how well she has responded post-transplant, they are confident the transplant did exactly what we hoped and she should never again get leukemia. We can finally let out a sigh of relief. It seems almost too good to be true in light of all she came up against, but so often God specializes in the “too good to be true.”

The point of sharing all this is not to garner sympathy, but to emphasize the very real and comforting presence of Jesus, who is intimately acquainted with our pain, who mourns with us, and who will one day wipe away every one of our tears. It can be easy to get caught up in our pride and consider ourselves invincible, but what I have found to be true is that God will allow you to watch your plans fall apart, to reach the end of yourself (the end of your own strength and human effort) to show you He is your strength.

Throughout this experience, I have been learning to hold all things in my life with an open palm rather than a closed fist. God has a way of prying your fingers open if you hold on too tightly. He wants us to know the things of this life are temporary, only His love is everlasting.

Before my mom’s diagnosis, I had always felt my worst fear was something happening to my mom, she has always been my rock and closest friend. God allowed me to come up against my worst fear and He said, “I’m right here with you, I will never leave you nor forsake you.” The intensity of his presence was felt so deeply during this time of my life. The saying is true that we may enjoy God on the mountaintops, but we get to know him intimately in the valleys.

When I find myself trying to again control my circumstances as my anxious heart has been so prone to doing all these years, I must consciously choose to rest in his goodness. We do not have a wrathful and tyrannical God who runs the universe with an iron fist and cold heart. To the contrary, we have a God who longs to have relationship with each one of us, who knitted us together in our mother’s womb, and who cares deeply for us. So deeply in fact, that He suffered and died to pay the penalty for our brokenness and rebellion, and to invite us into relationship with Him once again. We were not meant to live in separation from our creator, which is why we spend all our lives in search of Him. No amount of good works will get us there either, just sheer simple faith will do it.

When God allows your plans to fall apart, he has something much better in mind. God permits what he hates (pain, sickness, trauma) to accomplish that which he loves (the saving of lives and hearts). He is more interested in the refining of our character than our temporary comfort. He prunes away our brokenness and gives us beauty in place of ashes.

My story isn’t over yet, and I know there are many plot twists and curveballs God has written in to the pages of my life to deepen my trust and strengthen my faith in Him. But I feel confident the story will have a happy ending because I know the one who holds the pen.

Psalms 16:5-11

You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands. How wonderful are your gifts to me; how good they are! I praise the Lord, because he guides me, and in the night my conscience warns me. I am always aware of the Lord’s presence; he is near, and nothing can shake me. And so I am thankful and glad, and I feel completely secure, because you protect me from the power of death. I have served you faithfully, and you will not abandon me to the world of the dead. You will show me the path that leads to life; your presence fills me with joy and brings me pleasure forever.